Balance Beams & Liminal Spaces

This blog was originally going to be about marinating in liminal spaces and then, well, I was meditating outside and the leaves were falling around me and the topic of balance entered into my awareness. Maybe it’s the fact that we just entered Libra season astrologically speaking (at the time my initial writing of this), the sign of balance, not to mention the autumn equinox with day and night equal lengths. One thing led to another and here we are with a blog on liminal spaces and balance beams and who knows what else since I am totally writing this stream of consciousness style. Welcome to Kalindi’s mind musings. The 1, 2, 3 numberings and such that follow are in no way reflective of any semblance of order. Proceed at your own reading risk.

1) Liminal spaces: Liminal spaces are physical, mental, emotional and/or spiritual seasons of transition, of uncertainty, of unmaking the old and weaving the new in a caterpillar cocoon fashion. These phases can feel like the ground is less solid than usual or like floating in a dreamworld trying to decipher what’s real, what’s alive and sacred for me right now. What kind of butterfly do I want to emerge as when I come out of my cocoon. For a while I was both unaware of and then resisting the idea of being in a liminal space. More recently I have started to accept and perhaps even embrace the liminality. Cocoons can be quite cozy, am I right? Until I got the jolt on the head about balance. Before that though, I’ll share this poem I wrote recently on liminal spaces for a little further exploration into that topic.

Liminal space
Spaces physical, mental, emotional spiritual
Of transition, uncertainty, unknown
Of possibility and transformation
The caterpillar waiting praying to emerge
As a butterfly
The Phoenix burst into flame
In ashes
Waiting to be reborn

I’m a chameleon
Shape-shifting
Changing colors
Turning invisible
It’s my superpower
And my kryptonite
I can be anyone or anything
I can see all the threads
Of possibilities and perspectives
So many colors
So many energies
Maybe this is why I’ve never been able to figure out my Myers Briggs type or enneagram?
Find your spirit animal – what if I have 10?

I’m marinating in this liminal space
A womb of creation
Patiently waiting
Healing, balancing
Until I emerge
A chameleon reborn
As a shape shifting dragon
Ready to fly

I’m a shape shifting dragon
Sometimes big
Sometimes small
Sometimes breathing fire
Sometimes shedding tears
Sometimes fast
Sometimes slow
Sometimes golden like the sun
Sometimes shimmery turquoise like the sea

From chameleon to dragon and back
I’m a part of everything
And everything is a part of me
I’m fluid, flowing, shifting
Air to earth
Water to fire
Elements merging
And swirling
And caressing
In a kaleidoscope of colors
Visble and invisible
I dance on the edges
Of liminal space
And I am
Enough

2) Balance beams – don’t get too comfy in one spot: I’ve always been someone that craves comfort and security. Apparently as a little kid, when my mom moved one piece of furniture slightly, I had a small meltdown. Change!? Definitely not. I also am someone who longs for feeling the magic of life and if I could have it my way having every moment feel completely magical and joyous and loving with no worries or cares in the world would be amazing. So basically a fantasy magical dreamworld. The thing is though, and this was the jolt, I’m not here to hide away in my fantasy imagination worlds. I can definitely visit there and often but I have to live here, now, in each moment of life which is going to include the challenging ones and the mundane ones. And there’s a secret in that too. The magic is in the fantasy world wanderings absolutely and it’s amazing. And the magic is also in the mundane and challenging.

It’s in learning to walk my own personal balance beam, with spirit fantasy world on one side and this world on the other. It’s learning to balance work and play. Laughter and tears. Speaking and listening. Stillness and movement. Music and silence. Hot and cold. Inhaling and exhaling. It’s eating nourishing whole foods – not too much and not too little. It’s learning to do everything in balance. Not too much and not too little. It’s seeing positive and negative simply as energy, two halves of a magic coin. And as I learned in my childhood (and adult) beloved fantasy novels, magic (energy) is neither good or bad, it’s about what I do with it, how I see it, how I use it, how I balance it. So how does this tie in with the liminal space exploration? Great question. I think where I was getting with that is that I was noticing myself having some fear about coming out of the liminal space when that time was right. And there is the tie to the balancing act. Liminal cocoon spaces and spreading wings in the next butterfly (or dragon) incarnation.

3) It’s a daily practice. The epiphanies, the elaborate ceremonies and rituals, the mystical awakenings and experiences. They are amazing. They are magic. The part that sometimes gets forgotten though is the daily practice that must come after. The epiphanies and awakenings are gifts of inspiration. They are like falling in love. Like a lightning bolt. Like sky diving. Loving though both self and others, that is the ultimate balancing beam experiment. To love is a daily practice, a vow. It involves mental discipline (you know … to quiet those critical and fearful thoughts that like to get in the way of love), boundaries, awareness and infinite patience. It is a practice of doing my best each day, knowing that my best will change, just like each day changes. It’s realizing that life is a giant liminal space made up of a tapestry of a thousand liminal space weavings. It is an undoing and becoming in a beautiful spiral infinity loop journey to ever deepening depths of divine love.

I’d like to end with Rumi’s The Guest House, the first and so far, only poem I’ve memorized. I think it embodies a lot of the ideas I’ve been trying to share and expresses them much more eloquently.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably
He may be clearing you out
For some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and
invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Breaking the chains

Once upon a time
There was a young girl
She walked with dragons
And fairies and elves
She played in the woods
And knew the truth
And touched the magic
She was pure love and magic

The villagers however
Grew afraid
Who was this little girl
Her powers shining so bright?
No no this won’t do at all
She can’t be so bright
It will dim our light
We must all be the same
No one too bright

This might hurt a little
they told her
But you’ll get used to it
After a while
You won’t even
Remember they are there!
And then you’ll be like us
Safe contained the same
It’ll be better that way
You’ll see

And then they put on the chains
The pain was so blinding
So disconcerting
The little girl
Completey blacked out
And then she forgot
That she had chains at all
She also forgot her magic
Her light
Now she was
Just like everyone else

The little girl grew up
And she’s been been walking
Walking through life
Each step heavy
So heavy
Her limbs
Weighted down
By iron chains
Fear
Scarcity
Abandonment
Indecisiveness
Defensiveness
Anger
Hate
Deceipt
Ignorance
Selfishness
Shame
Guilt

They tug
At her limbs
Cut into her flesh
And draw blood
Leaving gaping wounds
In their wake
As she hobbles
And limps
Feverish
Trying to step forward
While being dragged back

One day
Her old friends
The dragons and fairies
And elves
The creatures of the woods
The trees and the sun and the moon
They came to her
Excited
They’d finally found
The keys
To open the chains
They joyfully
Brought them to her
But the girl didn’t see them
Didn’t see the keys
Didn’t know
She wore chains
She just thought
Pain and suffering
Gaping wounds
Shame
And fear
All those heavy
Weights
She thought they
Were her

Dejected
All the creatures
Went back to the forest
All except one
A little dragon
Smaller and weaker
Than the rest
No bigger than the size
Of your hand
Often teased
This dragon
Had loved the little girl
Most of all
Because the little girl
Had been kind to her
Had seen her as magical and amazing
Not small and weak
So the little dragon
Decided
I won’t give up
And she stuck by the girl
Even though the girl
Didn’t notice her
The dragon stayed
Anyway
And what’s more
With all her little dragon
Strength
She helped to
Push and pull
The chains
The girl was dragging

And as for the girl
Well suddenly
She had glimpses
A momentary awareness
Of what it felt like
To have her heavy burden
Lifted
Shared
Even just a little
She could feel
Beneath
The heavy chains
A flickering light
Faint, rusty
But somehow still bright
Coming from
Deep within her
In her core
Was that called?
Her heart?

In that moment
The little dragon
Spread its tiny wings
And hopped directly
Onto the girls
Chest
Clinging there
In an awkward dragon hug
And the dragon gave the girl
All the love the girl had given her
Like a mirror reflecting the sun

And as the light and love
From the little dragon
Poured into the girl
The girls light seed
Pulsed stronger
And stronger
Until that seed
Of love
Compassion
Light
Kindness
Ease
Peace
Courage
Flow
Joy
Magic
Expanded
And expanded
Until it exploded
Into a forest
Of stars
Into a meadow
Of trees
Into an ocean
Of flowers
Embracing
Dissolving
Integrating
Healing
The chains
Until
They went back
Into the earth
Recycled
Nutrients
For growth

And the little dragon
Well
She grew
And she grew
And she lifted the girl
On her back
And together
They soared
Wild and free
Spreading love seeds
In brilliant rainbows of light
To all whose path they crossed
Recycling more chains
Bravely venturing out
Knowing no chains
Could ever keep them small
Again

Tilling my inner garden

Spiraling layers of healing
Tilling my inner garden
Pulling out the weeds
Again and again
Planting new seeds
Watching some flourish
Watching some flounder
And need extra care
Extra tenderness
Working the soil
Day after day
Each day anew
Softening expectations
Of perfection
Of destination
Of success
And simply
Sitting with
Working with
What is
Loving what is
Even if it’s a plant
That’s dying
Trust its death
To usher in
A new life
A new seed
In time
Be patient
Love the good days
And bad days alike
Love the harvests
As much as the barren winters
Where roots withdraw
And seeds hibernate
Loving my inner garden
Making a home
Within myself
Always
Moment
After moment
Breath
After breath
Spiraling layers of healing
As I tend my inner garden
As I water it
With my tears
As I sing to it
As I hold it
As I simply
Am

Photo by David Alberto Carmona Coto on Pexels.com

Dating & Falling in Love with Yourself

I’ve been reflecting lately about the concepts of dating, falling in love and self-love. I’m someone who generally speaking has an easier time trusting, accepting and loving others more than myself. I include trust, acceptance and love because I was recently part of a discussion where trust and acceptance were posited as key ingredients for love and that idea resonated. I think compassion should get thrown in the love pot as well as a concept of understanding, knowing and seeing someone deeply and intimately. I took this concept a step further and found myself pondering the early stages of dating and falling in love and reflecting on beautiful memories of these initial stages of love in my own life with my now husband.

Then a strange question popped into my head – I wonder what dating and falling in love with myself would be like? I wonder what it would be like to feel that kind of intimacy, love, trust, acceptance, understand and deep knowing of myself? As someone who has struggled with self-worth issues most of my life, these basic concepts seemed rather radical and daunting for me.

I realize this blog has started off pretty heavy, so to lighten the mood I’ll conclude by sharing some ways I’ve recently gone on “dates” with myself. You’ll notice these are mostly all introverted activities in the realm of a mini or larger retreat. Add any extroverted activities you feel inspired to, but I would suggest including at least somewhere it’s just you, yourself and I – that’s where the real getting to know yourself deeply magic happens.

I enjoyed quite a few of these activities at a recent weekend while my partner was away for work yet picking just one works great too. I recommend a combination of mini (anywhere from a 20-minute to an hour or two practice or exercise) and macro (a day, weekend or longer) “self-retreats” for optimal dating yourself time … whatever works best for you.

1) Take a long, sensuous bath while listening to meditative music.

2) Make and enjoy a candlelight dinner with yourself.

3) Spend time outside! If the weather is warm, sit outside and read or write or just enjoy a good cup of coffee or tea … whatever floats your boat. Perhaps some gentle outdoor stretches or yoga might entice you? Or maybe a walk or bike ride?

4) Blast the music, dance and sing or just lie down and feel the pulse of the melodies.

5) Meditate. This could be “traditional” or something totally unique. All of the above preceding date ideas totally count as meditation forms! Yup even the dinner – it’s called a mindful eating meditation. It could be journaling or even writing poetry. It could be musical (mantras, kirtan, playing music that you feel in your soul while you sit or dance) or it could be silent. This is your time for you to commune with yourself, specifically your Higher Self and the Divine (however you connect to these ideas), the part of you that is so in love with you already it would take your breath away and they are just waiting for you to feel that unconditional love within you.

6) Look up at the stars and the moon. I did this and felt inspired to write a poem about it the other night and so will share that to end this blog.

Night Magic

Next time it’s night out
Instead of retreating
To your beds
And blanket forts
Nestled in the comforting safety
Of indoors

Sit outside instead
Even just for a few breaths
Look up at the stars
At the waxing glowing moon
At the shadows of trees
Framing the horizon

Breathe in
The crisp
Late summer
Almost fall
Night air
Can you smell the freshness?
The moss and pine and dewy grass?

Listen
Can you hear
The humming of the crickets?
A collective om nature
Can you hear the rustle in the brush?
A deer?
A fox?
A bobcat?
Or perhaps the family of wild turkeys
Settling down for the night

Can you feel the aliveness
The heightened energy
Of night
So different from day
Let your heartbeat sync
With the whisper of the trees
And creatures of the sky and the forest
You are home
This is magic

Now only one question remains
Why haven’t I been doing this all summer?

Good night moon
Good night trees
Good night stars
Good night grass
Good night animals
Good night Maine

Trust, Surrender, Forgiveness and Healing

The other day, when I was getting dressed, I was moving too quickly and carelessly and banged my elbow. Having bumped into things and banged various appendages more times in my life than I can remember, I was expecting the pain to subside in a few minutes. This time the pain persisted throughout the day and the next and I found myself rather begrudgingly presented with a life lesson/growth challenge. I was especially upset because I was hoping to play in a benefit tennis tournament coming up and needed my dominant right hand/elbow in full working, pain free order … thank you very much. As silly as it sounds … it’s just a banged-up elbow, right … I felt like I was wrestling with a wildfire trying to tame it.

Will it be better tomorrow? Will I be able to play in a few days? For the tournament? What if it’s better in time for the tournament but not better beforehand to allow me to practice and get ready? What if I can’t play and have to suffer the disappointment and embarrassment of not being able to play because I banged my elbow. (On a side note … why does banging an elbow carry more stigma than say tripping and spraining an ankle?)

And, of course, while all this inner dialogue is raging, I am compulsively doing everything possible to heal my elbow. Ice, all the healing balms in the house from CBD cream to arnica rub, to Voltaren. And don’t forget compulsively testing range of motion and what movements elicited pain every few minutes. Somewhere in the depths of this pattern, this autoplay pattern, I had enacted many times before in my life … any time really some unexpected injury or illness or stressor happened, be it physical, mental or emotional), a voice inside me tried to whisper very unhelpful words of advice. Stop it … the healing is already happening. Stop getting in the way. Listen to the pain; it has something to say. Be gentle. Trust in your body’s innate intelligence as a master healer. Surrender to the healing flow. It hurts because banging it created a little mini trauma and now all kinds of healing agents are being sent that way. The temporary inflammation around an acute injury is a band aid to protect the area until the healing cycle has finished. The pain offers a cue of how much and what is good to do during this healing time. Pain is a part of life; suffering is optional. Trusting, surrendering and forgiving and loving are the balms to the mind’s self-created suffering and the key to healing and wellbeing.

I had recently learned about the ancient shamanic Hawaiian practice of ho’oponopono, a prayer for healing, and repeated it quietly to myself. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. I had been angry at myself for being careless and injuring myself and then frustrated that my body was sensitive and couldn’t get over a perceived small thing like a banged elbow more quickly. In flipping the script, I apologized to myself and asked forgiveness for the initial act of self-hurt and later acts of getting in the way of my own healing through my anxiety and compulsive-testing-to-see-if-the-pain-was-gone-habits. I apologized for never noticing my elbow before, for taking it for granted. I thanked my body for the amazing job she was doing to heal, how resilient she is. I thanked my mind for trying to help, knowing she didn’t mean ill, she’s trying and will keep trying. I said I love you, mind, body, spirit. Thank you for your infinite patience and forgiveness and grace and love. Thank you for letting me choose a new pattern of gentleness, awareness, love, forgiveness and healing. I will also try to do better at listening to your wisdom, that quiet voice inside, before it has to get to a physical pain manifestation, a stronger reminder. Perhaps if before I banged my elbow, I had noticed that my energy felt anxious and scattered that morning, I could have taken a few slow breaths, grounded myself and listened to the slow-down reminder without my elbow having to bear the brunt of that lesson. I really am sorry again dear right elbow and I love you.

Remembering the Magic

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on what it means to feel connected – to God, to Spirit, to Source, to the Magic of All That Is. There are so many possible words to describe this feeling, this grace trust state of being in divine flow. And great poets and writers, artists and mystics, have all tried. To be clear, I’m not about to try to compete with them. I’m just saying that words as much as I adore them are not sufficient to describe the feeling of remembering the Magic, the Divine.

I say feel connected rather than be connected because of course, I (we) am always in fact connected, I just sometimes have a little temporary memory loss and forget about the Magic even when staring right at it. With that thought in mind, here are a few musings or let’s say tips and tricks that sometimes work for me. An anti-forgetfulness spell if you will.

1) Throw away your phone. I repeat throw away your phone. Or well at least hide it for a bit. Phones, email, laptops, social media can all be useful tools in this age; yet they are generally not the most supportive for coming into presence which is a necessarily condition to remembering the Magic. Of course, it’s not practical for most, including me, to throw away my phone and technology nor would I want to as it is an awesome tool for many things including connecting with loved ones who don’t live close by. More it’s the idea of being intentional with phone and technology use. Having set times where perhaps you don’t use your phone or have it nearby. I try not to use my phone right before bed or right when I wake up and like to keep it outside of the bedroom for better sleep. You could also experiment with doing your own mini retreats a few hours or a day where you take a technology break and go into nature or whatever brings you joy and peace.

2) Come into presence. Be aware. Non-judgmentally. Compassionately. Play with your awareness with curiosity turning towards yourself and your surroundings and others with fascination and compassion. This state of compassionate, curious presence is intricately linked with remembering the Magic. When I’m fully here in this moment not wondering off to the past or future. And, when you think about it, these linear time past and future concepts don’t actually exist outside of our minds since we flow from one present moment to the next, each moment incredibly unique, like a snowflake where no two are alike. That’s magic.

3) Breathe. Slow, long exhale followed by a natural easy inhale. Slowing things down. Repeat as many times as desired. Slow breathing is an amazing tool for connecting back to your body and the present moment and from there feeling the Magic is there on your next breath. Isn’t it amazing how your body knows exactly what to do?

4) Kirtan. Kirtan or call and respond chanting with music and sacred mantras is my all-time favorite spiritual practice. And without fail it will always connect me back to the Magic. There are many different styles of kirtan and ways to practice from solo or small group to larger communities so the sky’s the limit. Jai Uttal has one of the most beautiful introductions to what kirtan is, so I am sharing that here since he explains it far more eloquently than I could. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHKO4_VwJcw

5) Hot and cold therapy. Ok this one will be a blog of its own at some point, I’m sure yet it’s hard not to mention. Let’s call it a magic bonus spell. One of my favorite healing modalities is to visit a Nordic spa (there are an abundance of Nordic spas in the Quebec province of Canada my favorite place to visit) and get really hot in a steam room for 10-15min and then jump in a cold plunge (generally anywhere between 50- and 60-degrees Fahrenheit) for 10sec to 10min and then relax after and repeat that cycle 2-3 times. A cold plunge may sound scary at first and it took me a while to work up the courage to try but the feeling after getting out is amazing. Think whole body tingles and energy and an instant hotline connection to remembering the Magic. A home practice that can hint at the healing magic of this practice is simply to end your showers with a little bit of cold (something I’ve been experimenting with lately) or better yet take a very hot bath and then a cold shower.

6) Do something that involves moving your body. Any kind of physical activity (bonus points if it’s outside in nature) will get your energy flowing and I’m always amazed how even if I wasn’t in the best mood beforehand, if I go for a hike or bike ride or play tennis or ping pong, most of the time, I’m going to feel more present after and more connected to the Magic.

Intentions for 2024

It’s been a ritual the past few years since starting this blog to pick a few words as my intention for the new year and then share in a blog post. So here goes for 2024 …

1) Presence: To me presence means being mindful. It means being here now in this moment. Not off in my head somewhere in the past or future. Here. Just here. Maybe that means I’m engaged in a conversation and wholeheartedly tuning into the other person and listening empathetically. Maybe it’s as simple as engaging all my senses (smell, feel, sight, sound, taste) in an ordinary moment like making my morning cup of coffee. Presence means I’m in tune with my body, mind and emotions, with the energy I’m taking in from the world and the energy I’m giving out. It means I’m consciously flowing through the world with mindful ease rather than unconsciously acting and reacting lost in the world of mind chatter. From presence, everything else can flow.

2) Magic: Since I’ve been a kid, I’ve loved the idea of magic. I grew up on the Redwall series, Harry Potter, Percy Jackson and others, eagerly jumping into new worlds. When would I get my Hogwarts letter? When I was young, I played outside and saw fairies and magical creatures in the grass and trees and streams. Maybe I never grew up, but I still love magic and … full confession … young adult fantasy books are my favorite genre. More recently, I’ve expanded my definition of magic to include the divine as well as the wonder and wizardry in the so-called ordinary. After all, just in the human body we are made up of trillions of cells all magically doing numerous tasks at once! How amazing that I’m able to feel these emotions and then translate them into ideas and words and sentences and write them down and share on a blog – if that’s not magic then I don’t know what is!

3) Fill in the blank: an evolving intention for what I need in this month or week or day or moment. While I enjoy having a key word or two to guide me for the year, I also appreciate that intentions can be fluid and adaptable to whatever best supports me in any given moment, be that a day, week, or month or whatever time period feels right. Therefore, I am visualizing my 2024 intentions as a triangle with presence and magic on the bottom two corners and then a fill in the blank intention at the top. This reminds me to check in often and ask myself what intentions do I want to focus on right now? For instance, yesterday I had an inspiring therapeutic massage and am committing to focusing on better postural awareness. This fill in the blank intention(s) means I could have several intentions pop up that inspire me and that I want to dedicate energy towards.

What are your intentions for the new year? Do you have any rituals around new year’s intention setting?

Boundaries

Boundaries are a ubiquitous word for me. They are something I’ve always struggled with as setting boundaries and my people pleasing tendencies are quite at odds. Lately though a combination of work and personal stressors forced me to confront my dislike of boundaries and begin to learn how to set them. Here are a few steps that I took that have helped me in case they inspire you on your own boundary setting journey if that is something like me you want to expand your comfort with.

1) Balance your yes’s and no’s: I read about this idea in an insightful book, “The Tao of Womanhood” by Diane Dreher. The idea is that your “yes’s” and “no’s” should be balanced. Neither yes or no should be disproportionate. Of course, this is averaged out over whatever time period makes the most sense to you. For me, this is a reminder to look within when there is an external opportunity or ask whether that is work related or even a fun, personal activity. It means checking in with myself and balancing the internal and external. That my “yes’s” which of course will include things I may not prefer to do (this might often relate to a work perspective) are balanced by my “no’s”, the boundaries I set to take care of myself, to refill my tank in whatever ways nourish me, so I’m not running on empty at the end of the road with no gas tank in sight. It means I am in touch with both my external boundaries are (that is boundaries I express to other people) as well as my internal boundaries (boundaries that are just for me, such as deciding that I won’t stay up past 10pm).

2) Phone boundaries: Ah smart phones… The items that have arguably single handedly transformed the way we engage with the world in the last 10-15 years (I got my first smart phone at 18 when I went to college 12 years ago now coincidentally also when I joined the social media world). Now different people will have different aspects of their phones that they find particularly hard to put down. Social media is a common one. For me, it’s my work email on my phone which I have been in the habit of compulsively checking at all hours of the day. I work with my family business and have felt like I need to be constantly “on”, which means of course that in that way I’m always saying yes to emails and never saying no… For years, this filtered in weekends, evenings, early morning (first thing upon waking) and vacations. After a recent health crisis sparked by stress, I took a small step towards saying no to my phone and email by setting better boundaries around when I checked it, saying no more to looking at it in the evening after hours for instance. Intentionally not checking work emails on the weekends or if I do check it, it’s intentional because I’m choosing to work whatever period there and not because I’m too anxious to wait until Monday (that’s my goal anyway). I’ve also started leaving my phone off and downstairs at night and not in the bedroom. That way I have to walk past my meditation room (to hopefully meditate for a few minutes!) upon waking before going downstairs to check my phone and email.

3) Authenticity: My husband shared this definition of authenticity with me and it really resonated. Namely that to be authentic is for to have your thoughts, feelings, words and actions in alignment. This could be a whole blog in and of itself) but I wanted to include it here because it feels very relevant to this topic of boundaries. After all, in order to know what boundaries I need to set for myself, I have to be aware of my thoughts, feelings, words and actions. I have to reflect on them and check in frequently – are they in alignment? If my thoughts and feelings say no, yet my words and actions say yes (do to wanting to please or whatever else it may be) then I’m not being authentic and I’m hurting myself and others ultimately as well. Now of course things can get tricky in determining what my true authentic feelings are in regard to how I want to speak and act. This means going deep and essentially determining what are the authentic wishes of my highest self; what is that voice whispering to me in guidance in any given moment. So for instance, one layer of me might want to eat that second piece of cake and get a stomachache while my higher self, if I listen, will hint that I should make the better choice and not eat it and will feel better. In other words, authenticity also means I’m in alignment with my highest self.

What does boundary setting look like for you? Share in the comments below if you feel inspired.

When Things Become Too Much

As I sit here trying to write this blog, my body feels like it’s all it can do just to sit upright. My hands are shaking, my stomach roils with uncomfortable nausea. You see, stress got the better of me and I tried to push my body, mind, emotions past where they were capable of right now. My body protested and the result is waking up feeling like I have a stomach bug and realizing it’s all from stress and its sidekick anxiety. Its cousins guilt and shame at feeling like a failure don’t really help. Anyway … I guess I’m really writing this blog post as a pep talk to myself on a few things you can try if you’re feeling like things have just become too much.

1) Give yourself permission to slow down and rest. I had to have a hard conversation with myself this morning about why it was okay for me not to mow the lawn today and just try to take it easy a bit on this Sunday. I realize even having this option puts me in a very privileged position. The idea with slowing down and resting (ideally before you crash and burn like I did) is to pace yourself and build self-care into your routine. Even if it is all of five minutes of slow breathing first thing when you wake up and before you go to bed. And if you do push yourself to the point where you need more to recover, don’t feel guilty about it. Your body did the best it could in whatever that stressful situation was. Your body is doing the best it can.

2) See if you can offer yourself a little compassion. If your body has shut down from overwhelm and stress and anxiety, you may (like me) be feeling a bit betrayed by it. I mean, c’mon body, if you didn’t feel so nauseous and exhausted and shaky right now, we could be doing something fun like go for a bike ride, forget about mowing the lawn. The thing is, feeling upset at your body isn’t going to help, it generally just makes things worse. And the stress response (fight, flight or freeze) while extremely protective and powerful in an actual life or death situation is not designed to last for days or weeks. Your body is just trying to protect you and doesn’t know how right now. See if you can offer a little compassion to yourself, to your mind, your body, your whole being or any part of you (even just one little cell) that feels accessible.

3) Your to do list will still be there tomorrow. I’ve been having a hard time slowing down and giving myself the rest and care I need, because part of what has been making me stressed and anxious is the laundry list of tasks and projects on my work to do list. However, the solution isn’t to work yourself to the bone, evenings, weekends without catching a breath. Of course, there may be times when, depending on each person’s capacity, there is some measure of this, but it can be a slippery slope and the key is to know yourself. Know your own personal capacity. Know that it may change from one season of life to another; it may grow or it may shrink. It may even change day to day. The key is that you can only do your best. And your best does not mean pushing past your limits and making yourself ill. It means doing your best today, whatever that looks like. And if some days you feel like superwoman doing your best …. amazing! And if on others your best is lying down and looking at the clouds pass, that’s quite okay too. Either way chances are there will still be more on your to do list the next day, so if you can’t take care of yourself today, then when will you. Easier said than done … I know. This really is my pep talk to myself.

I’ll have it all figured out when I’m (insert desired age)…

I’m turning 30 in a few weeks (maybe I’ll already be 30 by the time you’re reading this blog) and like any “major” age milestones it got me thinking about, well, aging and maturity and the old “hey so if I’m turning 30 shouldn’t I have it (aka life) all figured out?” I had a conversation with my husband that went something like this:

Me: “Oh no, I feel all this pressure to have it all figured out when I’m 30.”

Him (he’s a few years old than me so has already hit that 30 milestone): “Your 30s is when you realize you don’t have to have it all figured out.”

Of course, 30 (or 20 or 40 or 70) are all just numbers. And 30 isn’t any more special than say 33 or 29. I think we humans just like to attach extra meaning to these decade markers. That way we have the fun of saying, “Oh 10 years ago I was doing X.” Something like that.

The thing is, probably the most “figured out” we can have in life is the realization that we don’t have to (won’t) ever have it “all” figured out. It’s not possible. Each moment, each day, each year, each decade is wonderfully different. As soon as you figure out (or think you figure out) one thing in your life, something new and maybe scary/stressful, maybe exciting (depending on your frame) will crop up to challenge you to grow in a new way.

I remember talking with an older lady in her 70s in a wheelchair when I was a teenager and asking her when you’re “grown up.” She said why would you ever want to be that? That would mean you stop growing. Even though I supposedly learned this important nugget of wisdom at the tender age of 13, it’s one of those lessons that has trouble sticking I suppose. Which is probably why I’m writing about it. To help cement it into my brain. And heart. Growing can be scary after all; riddled with uncertainty and all that good stuff. But really all of life is riddled with uncertainty. The only true certainty is how you choose to handle it.

It’s like the analogy that living in a mindful, present way is like surfing (or learning how to surf). Life throws all kinds of different ocean conditions at you. Sometimes the water is calm and warm and you can just savor the beautiful day. Other times, it might be stormy with massive waves and you’re struggling to balance and ride those waves. And you might fall off and have to get back on your board again. You might even lose your board altogether and all you can do is try to keep swimming. Knowing that no matter how rough the waters get, hey you’re in the ocean, the magical ocean, full of wonders each day. And even in the worst storm, there’s a magic there, and if you can embrace it, you just might find yourself that calm anchor in the eye of the storm, knowing that while you probably won’t ever have it figured out, that’s ok. You’ll figure it out anew each day. Each wave.