Boundaries are a ubiquitous word for me. They are something I’ve always struggled with as setting boundaries and my people pleasing tendencies are quite at odds. Lately though a combination of work and personal stressors forced me to confront my dislike of boundaries and begin to learn how to set them. Here are a few steps that I took that have helped me in case they inspire you on your own boundary setting journey if that is something like me you want to expand your comfort with.

1) Balance your yes’s and no’s: I read about this idea in an insightful book, “The Tao of Womanhood” by Diane Dreher. The idea is that your “yes’s” and “no’s” should be balanced. Neither yes or no should be disproportionate. Of course, this is averaged out over whatever time period makes the most sense to you. For me, this is a reminder to look within when there is an external opportunity or ask whether that is work related or even a fun, personal activity. It means checking in with myself and balancing the internal and external. That my “yes’s” which of course will include things I may not prefer to do (this might often relate to a work perspective) are balanced by my “no’s”, the boundaries I set to take care of myself, to refill my tank in whatever ways nourish me, so I’m not running on empty at the end of the road with no gas tank in sight. It means I am in touch with both my external boundaries are (that is boundaries I express to other people) as well as my internal boundaries (boundaries that are just for me, such as deciding that I won’t stay up past 10pm).

2) Phone boundaries: Ah smart phones… The items that have arguably single handedly transformed the way we engage with the world in the last 10-15 years (I got my first smart phone at 18 when I went to college 12 years ago now coincidentally also when I joined the social media world). Now different people will have different aspects of their phones that they find particularly hard to put down. Social media is a common one. For me, it’s my work email on my phone which I have been in the habit of compulsively checking at all hours of the day. I work with my family business and have felt like I need to be constantly “on”, which means of course that in that way I’m always saying yes to emails and never saying no… For years, this filtered in weekends, evenings, early morning (first thing upon waking) and vacations. After a recent health crisis sparked by stress, I took a small step towards saying no to my phone and email by setting better boundaries around when I checked it, saying no more to looking at it in the evening after hours for instance. Intentionally not checking work emails on the weekends or if I do check it, it’s intentional because I’m choosing to work whatever period there and not because I’m too anxious to wait until Monday (that’s my goal anyway). I’ve also started leaving my phone off and downstairs at night and not in the bedroom. That way I have to walk past my meditation room (to hopefully meditate for a few minutes!) upon waking before going downstairs to check my phone and email.

3) Authenticity: My husband shared this definition of authenticity with me and it really resonated. Namely that to be authentic is for to have your thoughts, feelings, words and actions in alignment. This could be a whole blog in and of itself) but I wanted to include it here because it feels very relevant to this topic of boundaries. After all, in order to know what boundaries I need to set for myself, I have to be aware of my thoughts, feelings, words and actions. I have to reflect on them and check in frequently – are they in alignment? If my thoughts and feelings say no, yet my words and actions say yes (do to wanting to please or whatever else it may be) then I’m not being authentic and I’m hurting myself and others ultimately as well. Now of course things can get tricky in determining what my true authentic feelings are in regard to how I want to speak and act. This means going deep and essentially determining what are the authentic wishes of my highest self; what is that voice whispering to me in guidance in any given moment. So for instance, one layer of me might want to eat that second piece of cake and get a stomachache while my higher self, if I listen, will hint that I should make the better choice and not eat it and will feel better. In other words, authenticity also means I’m in alignment with my highest self.

What does boundary setting look like for you? Share in the comments below if you feel inspired.

Craving certainty, wanting to control, to know for sure … well, it is a malady affecting quite possibly most of humanity. The opposite, uncertainty and lack of control, is terribly frightening after all. I’m definitely guilty of this and the threat of uncertainty has been something I’ve often tried to run and hide from, as my anxiety tries to latch on to the scariest uncertainty it can. Sometimes I’ve thought my mind just likes to invent new things to feel anxious about whenever the current “cause” of the anxiety is alleviated. With that in mind, here are a few reflections on holding space for that unsettling uncertainty and perhaps even dancing with it.

1) Go to the extreme of your fear. What uncertainty really comes down to is that our lives on this earth are very small and fragile when you think about it and there is so much we don’t know and can’t control. We don’t even know if our next breath will be our last in this human body we inhabit. This is an example of taking an anxiety or fear of the unknown to its natural extreme. I’ve found this practice can be helpful even if it might seem a little intense. Simply ask yourself what it is you are afraid of? What is causing your particular anxiety? Maybe a friend isn’t responding to a message you sent. Okay so what’s the extreme of that. Maybe something like your friend doesn’t care about you anymore and doesn’t want to be friends. Likely that’s not the case but if you can take it to that extreme and make your peace with it, accept what you can’t control, chances are whatever is actually the situation will be much easier to handle.

2) Try your best without attachment to the results. Much of our discomfort with uncertainty comes from wanting to control the outcome of a situation. However, the outcome is something we really don’t ultimately have control over. All we can do is put forth our very best effort each day, each moment. If we can do that and surrender control of the outcome, chances are we will be a lot more content.

3) Hold space for uncertainty and learn to dance with her. Uncertainty is a fact of life; there’s no avoiding it. If we fight against uncertainty and try to impose our own feeble attempts at control, all we’ll end up doing is making ourselves miserable. If we can practice simply sitting with uncertainty, holding space for her and all the accompanying emotions that come up, with kindness towards ourselves, that is an unbelievable step forwards. With time, we might even be able to stand up and dance with uncertainty, sometimes with a smile and sometimes with tears, but dancing just the same, embracing the wonder of not knowing and seeing where the next step might take you.

We want to know
know what?
know everything of course
the secrets of existence
why we are here
who are we?
who am I?
who are you?
We want to know
what will happen next
will we succeed or fail
will we live or die
will we live after we die?
will we go to heaven or hell?
is there a heaven or hell?
we think we can grasp
at certainties
by reading and writing
and philosophizing
and actioning
we think we can hide
from uncertainty
run from it
lock it away
when really
you can’t hide from uncertainty
no less than you can cut off your own shadow
unless you’re Peter pan?
when they talk
of faith and trust
it’s not an eschewing of uncertainty
it’s a dancing with it
opening the doors to it
welcoming it in
and saying
I don’t know
and that’s ok
I trust that that’s ok
would you like to dance?