I had planned to start this blog with a catchy opening sentence about how puking my guts while trying to cross country ski back from an off-grid weekend retreat turned into a transformative spiritual experience. However, while meditating before sitting down to write, my body was thoughtful enough to share some other insights. Yes, said stomach bug was and is a profoundly growthful experience, yet I was still falling into old patterns with my anxiety and resistance around a current shoulder injury. Why is it still hurting? I just did some around the house tasks and a little yoga … surely that shouldn’t be too much, right? When will it get better? What if it doesn’t? What if it’s like my left wrist that’s still naggy a couple years later? I need my right shoulder a lot more than my left wrist! (I’m right hand dominant in case you’re wondering).
I suppose this blog is both similar and different to what I was planning to write initially. The thing about the stomach bug incident is that the level of pain and intensity was so high (for one I hadn’t been that sick in a decade and definitely never had to throw up – several times mind you – while also needing to ski cross country a couple miles before facing a three-hour partially backroads drive home … thankfully I didn’t have to drive at least) that while I wanted to do my usual escape as fast as possible from my body routine into some less painful fantasy realm, I was completely incapable of doing so.
Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually … I was forced in all ways to be completely present with my experience in all its gore and misery. Besides “I want to die” and “I can’t do this” popping up in my head throughout, another phrase popped in as well, one I had read recently in the book Tantra Yoga: Journey to Unbreakable Wholeness by Todd Norian: “It’s all for your awakening.” Also, thanks to the state I was in, my usual barriers of self-consciousness had mostly disappeared. I moaned, cried, yelled … primal, guttural sounds. I did the same finally back home several hours later when I tried to shower and the effort to stand and wash was almost too much to bear.
Feeling into this has led me through stomach bug hell and into a profound gratitude for the experience as I’ve been on a weeklong journey of resetting my gut and connecting and listening deeply to my body, asking questions like “Do you want to eat? How much? What? Do you want to drink? How much? What? Do you want rest? Do you want gentle movement or stillness?”
A few other valuable lessons I’ve learned from this bout with the stomach flu. One, it’s okay to ask for and receive help without feeling guilty. I’ve realized I tend to feel guilty and like I’m a burden when I ask for and receive help. In this situation, I was so far gone, I was completely vulnerable and had no choice but to open-heartedly and gratefully receive support. Two, it’s okay to leave things unfinished and come back to them the next day. I’m normally OCD about unpacking the second or at least the same night I get back from a trip even if it means compromising my sleep. I’m also OCD about putting away my laundry right away. Once again, I got to practice both things, and lo and behold the world kept on spinning. Three, it’s okay to start eating or drinking something and then stop if my body says to. I tend to eat or drink the amount that’s in front of me without always tuning in … hey, should I keep going or not? I also tend to get nauseous easily but have seen it as a flaw in my body instead of my body perhaps trying to tell me something. For example, a few days into my recovery I had a few bites of yogurt two days in a row and felt immediately more queasy. The first day I discounted it thinking it was because my system wasn’t ready for the yogurt and I’d try again the next day. So I did and same reaction. This time I listened and realized the yogurt which had just expired wasn’t good anymore even though it tasted fine. And, yes, since it took me two days clearly I am still very much a work in progress!
Coming back to my aching shoulder, because the experience is not as intense and all-consuming as the stomach bug, it didn’t “force” presence, so old patterns have popped up around impatience and fear related to healing and injuries. What if instead I tuned into my shoulder and asked her what she wanted? What she needed? Did she need gentle movement or stillness? Was she aching because for right now cooking and cleaning and all the daily life activities were a lot and now she needed rest? Perhaps instead of resenting my shoulder I should be apologizing to her for pushing to hard at platform tennis and injuring her. And perhaps instead of beating myself up for falling into old patterns, I might try to forgive myself. After all, it’s all for my awakening.
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