The other day, when I was getting dressed, I was moving too quickly and carelessly and banged my elbow. Having bumped into things and banged various appendages more times in my life than I can remember, I was expecting the pain to subside in a few minutes. This time the pain persisted throughout the day and the next and I found myself rather begrudgingly presented with a life lesson/growth challenge. I was especially upset because I was hoping to play in a benefit tennis tournament coming up and needed my dominant right hand/elbow in full working, pain free order … thank you very much. As silly as it sounds … it’s just a banged-up elbow, right … I felt like I was wrestling with a wildfire trying to tame it.
Will it be better tomorrow? Will I be able to play in a few days? For the tournament? What if it’s better in time for the tournament but not better beforehand to allow me to practice and get ready? What if I can’t play and have to suffer the disappointment and embarrassment of not being able to play because I banged my elbow. (On a side note … why does banging an elbow carry more stigma than say tripping and spraining an ankle?)
And, of course, while all this inner dialogue is raging, I am compulsively doing everything possible to heal my elbow. Ice, all the healing balms in the house from CBD cream to arnica rub, to Voltaren. And don’t forget compulsively testing range of motion and what movements elicited pain every few minutes. Somewhere in the depths of this pattern, this autoplay pattern, I had enacted many times before in my life … any time really some unexpected injury or illness or stressor happened, be it physical, mental or emotional), a voice inside me tried to whisper very unhelpful words of advice. Stop it … the healing is already happening. Stop getting in the way. Listen to the pain; it has something to say. Be gentle. Trust in your body’s innate intelligence as a master healer. Surrender to the healing flow. It hurts because banging it created a little mini trauma and now all kinds of healing agents are being sent that way. The temporary inflammation around an acute injury is a band aid to protect the area until the healing cycle has finished. The pain offers a cue of how much and what is good to do during this healing time. Pain is a part of life; suffering is optional. Trusting, surrendering and forgiving and loving are the balms to the mind’s self-created suffering and the key to healing and wellbeing.
I had recently learned about the ancient shamanic Hawaiian practice of ho’oponopono, a prayer for healing, and repeated it quietly to myself. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. I had been angry at myself for being careless and injuring myself and then frustrated that my body was sensitive and couldn’t get over a perceived small thing like a banged elbow more quickly. In flipping the script, I apologized to myself and asked forgiveness for the initial act of self-hurt and later acts of getting in the way of my own healing through my anxiety and compulsive-testing-to-see-if-the-pain-was-gone-habits. I apologized for never noticing my elbow before, for taking it for granted. I thanked my body for the amazing job she was doing to heal, how resilient she is. I thanked my mind for trying to help, knowing she didn’t mean ill, she’s trying and will keep trying. I said I love you, mind, body, spirit. Thank you for your infinite patience and forgiveness and grace and love. Thank you for letting me choose a new pattern of gentleness, awareness, love, forgiveness and healing. I will also try to do better at listening to your wisdom, that quiet voice inside, before it has to get to a physical pain manifestation, a stronger reminder. Perhaps if before I banged my elbow, I had noticed that my energy felt anxious and scattered that morning, I could have taken a few slow breaths, grounded myself and listened to the slow-down reminder without my elbow having to bear the brunt of that lesson. I really am sorry again dear right elbow and I love you.